Monday, January 1st was when I was going to get it together. New year, new me. It’s now January 3rd and I haven’t gotten it all together just yet… turns out it’s more like new year, same me.
Same me. Let’s start at the beginning.
Ever since I hung up my jersey for the last time and didn’t have a mandatory workout to be at at 6am or any other ungodly hour, I’ve been admittedly less than committed to my exercise routine. And that’s putting it lightly. I currently weigh more than I'd like. And that's putting it lightly, again. But it’s not really about that – the ever elusive number I’d like to see on the scale isn’t really my concern when I take an honest look at myself in the mirror.
I was a student-athlete at Loyola Marymount University for 5 years (red-shirted my 2nd year due to shoulder surgery) competing at the highest level many athletes, including myself, manage to climb to -- NCAA Division 1 Volleyball.
At the end of my Sophomore year, headed into Junior year of high school, I signed my National Letter of Intent to play at LMU. I graduated from high school a skinny, hopeful string bean and packed my bags for summer training with the LMU Strength and Conditioning coach.
Over the course of the next 5 years I had no choice but to transform into a MUCH physically & mentally stronger version of me. I remember going through 2-3 shirts per practice (had to change so the floor wouldn't get slippery from sweat); lifting heavier weights than some of the male athletes (volleyball players have strong legs y'all); and being forced to take ice baths before being allowed to leave the training room (because soreness is really real after 3+ hours of practice and an hour of strength & conditioning). If you would've told me then that I'd miss those things 7-8 years later, I would've laughed in your face (or slapped you upside the head).
But here I am. I may not miss those particular things, per se, but I miss the feeling -- the feeling of being so physically, mentally and emotionally challenged and drained at the end of the day and waking up and doing it again the next day because that's what we do. That's what athletes do. That's what teammates do. You don't let your team down; you have no choice.
I'm still an athlete at heart – you never lose that – but I no longer have a team pushing me and holding me accountable. No one will be directly affected by my choices. No one will know if I go through the motions at a workout, don't finish my reps or flat out don't show up to the gym. No one will make me run, or bench me or yell at me. No one will see me fail.
It's taken me a number of years to fully understand why that mentality is wrong. I have myself to push me and hold me accountable. I will be directly affected by my choices. I will know if I don't show up. I will see me fail.
And I matter. My opinion of myself is the one that matters the most, come to find out (at thirty years old no less).
When I look at myself in the mirror I want to see an athlete. I want to see a reflection of how I feel on the inside – beautiful, strong, powerful. I want to make myself proud.
And above all, I want to be the healthiest version of me possible – mind, body & spirit.
So yes, this is a new year and I’m the same me. The same me who hits the snooze button at least 6 times, who doesn’t get super pumped about workouts or eating salads, who has been starting and stopping this post-glory days fitness journey for years.
But I’m also the same me who played D1 volleyball. The same me that is competitive and passionate about sport. The body can withstand almost anything; I proved that to be true for myself in college, and many people prove that to be true in extraordinary ways every single day. It's the mind that has to be convinced. I’ve come to understand that after you’ve done that, it’s all about finding your rhythm.
I flat out didn’t get it together on January 1st. I hit snooze for 2 hours on January 2nd and when I got home from work I turned on Netflix, unbothered.
I could go on about what I didn’t do. What I failed to do. But instead, I think this time around I’m going to find my rhythm by focusing on the tiny victories. Perhaps they'll all amount to something truly great in the end.
This week's goal: blog up and running. So far, so good!